The Hick Heartbreakers
by SideshowJazz1
Summary: Based off the Season 3 episode "Colonel Homer". What if Lurleen had a best friend? What if that best friend was the better guitar player, while Lurleen was the better singer? When Homer discovers the girls' talent for songwriting, their career skyrockets, and Callie-Jo Carver fully supports Lurleen's advances. After all, Marge just doesn't seem to trust her husband enough...review!


**A/N: So I've just been watching the Season 3 episode, "Colonel Homer", and I felt like I had to delve further into Lurleen Lumpkin. So I wrote this piece – the episode, plus Lurleen's almost-sister/casual girlfriend. Yes. This is my first time writing a lesbian character, so please don't hate. I always thought of Lurleen as being bi and a bit loose, so I figured she'd be cool with fooling around with her lesbian best friend..**

 **Plot: Lurleen Lumpkin and Callie-Jo Carver, waitresses who write music in their spare time. When their song "Your Wife Don't Understand You (But I Do)" reaches the ears of Homer Simpson, he brings their career to peak. While Lurleen is smitten with him, Callie-Jo hangs back, helping her best friend. Will Homer fall for the country singer's charms, or go back to his family, with a wife that, to Callie-Jo, just didn't seem to trust him enough?**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing from "The Simpsons". I only own Callie-Jo.**

I scribbled down the first lyrics: " _You work all day for some old man, sweat and break your back..."_ I read out. "What next?"

I was sitting with my best friend Lurleen in our cruddy trailer, writing a song. We were both exhausted from our waitressing jobs at the Beer N Brawl, but not enough that we couldn't write down the lyrics that Lurleen had started thinking about as she cleared up the blood from the bar fights.

We were both in our early twenties, but we'd known each other since we were about seven and listening to MoTown music. But we both preferred country music, even then. We mostly wrote our songs together, but sometimes one of us got half the lyrics already written in their mind. We both sometimes sang at the Beer N Brawl, although everyone said Lurleen had a better singing voice.

I didn't care. I could write lyrics and tunes just as well as Lurleen could. And I played the guitar even better, which was why we alternated between performances. Who knew, we could be a duo one day – country singing/songwriting star, Lurleen Lumpkin, and famed guitarist/songwriter, Callie-Jo Carver. That's me – Callie-Jo Carver, Callie to my friends.

Sure, we'd been best friends for years, and we loved being best friends, but there was more to us than music industry dreams and friendship. The thing was, I was a lesbian, and Lurleen swung both ways. I'd never had a girlfriend, but about a year ago, we'd started developing something past friendship. Well, not really. It's just that although I loved Lurleen like a sister, she was also one of the cutest girls I knew. As it turned out, she thought I was hot too, so we'd been sharing a bed as well as a trailer. It wasn't a serious relationship or anything, though.

"We're just best friends that cuddle a bit, right?" Lurleen had said.

"And kiss." I had added, chuckling. "I'm not expecting life partnership or anything. Just someone to make out with once in a while."

"We're already life partners!" Lurleen laughed. "Even when I _do_ fall in love with someone. Even if I get married – you're not allowed to go a week without seeing me, Callie. You're my songwriting partner as well as my best friend."

We'd been living in our cramped trailer ever since, getting by on our wages from our waitressing jobs, and writing songs in our spare time.

Back to the present. " _Then you go home to your castle, but your queen won't cut you slack."_ Lurleen dictated the lyrics she'd thought of. I wrote them down. " _That's why you're losing all your hair,"_ she continued, " _That's why you're overweight. That's why you..._ that's as far as I got." she said.

I paused. " _That's why you flick your pick-up truck, right off the interstate!"_ I suggested. "The men are going to love this!"

We kept writing lyrics. " _There's a lot of bull they hand you-"_ I suggested.

" _There's nothing you can do."_ Lurleen finished. " _Your wife don't understand you..."_

" _But I do."_ I added in. " _No, your wife don't understand you, but I do."_

Lurleen finished. " _I said no one understands you, but I do!"_

I was starting to get a tune in my head. "Hey, how about this tune?" I asked. I picked up the guitar we shared and began playing the tune, singing our lyrics. After a while, Lurleen picked up on the tune and we began to sing together, finishing the song.

"You _have_ to sing this on Saturday night!" I said excitedly. "I think this might be the one – the one where we'll make it big!"

Saturday night was just like any night – a bunch of drunks fighting each other and trying to pick both of us up. Most men lost interest when I said I liked girls, but half the drunk men didn't care whether I was gay or straight.

Finally, it was time. "The next act is one of our very own singing waitresses, Lurleen!" announced the MC. The men cheered. "So I'm afraid that drink service will be slower for just a few minutes while-" Stuff was immediately thrown at him, everyone booing. They quieted down when Lurleen took the stage.

"Thank you." she said softly into the mic. "Tonight I'd like to try something a little different. It's a song Callie-Jo and I wrote while we were mopping up your dry blood and teeth."

She began playing the guitar as she sang the words. " _You work all day, for some old man,_

 _Sweat and break your back..."_

"Yeah..." muttered a youngish to middle-aged man at the back as I served someone else nearby.

" _Then you go home to your castle,"_ Lurleen sang, " _But your queen won't cut you slack!"_

"That's true." the man commented.

" _That's why you're losing all your hair, that's why you're overweight."_

"Uh-huh." The man was overweight and almost bald, so he obviously agreed with that line.

" _That's why you flick your pick-up truck right off the interstate!"_

"That's right! Except for the pick-up truck."

As Lurleen sang the rest of the song, I saw the man staring at her, spellbound. No one else took much notice once she was finished, but the man stood up.

"Hey! Hey, Lurleen, I gotta say something to you." the man said.

"I'm listening." Lurleen said, preparing herself for a sleazy compliment, if not even an insult. We were used to those. But then the man said something neither of us ever anticipated.

"Your song touched me in a way I've never felt before...and which way to the can?"

I gave a sigh and pointed. "The bathrooms are that way." I told him.

As the night wore on, men began leaving, but this particular man stayed. He talked to both of us, since I helped write the song, and to be honest, it was refreshing. He wasn't sleazy or brutish like everyone else at the bar. He seemed innocent, and actually quite nice. He didn't just talk to Lurleen – he talked to me, too. We ended up still at the bar early in the morning.

"So what's your name, stranger?" Lurleen asked him.

"Homer J Simpson." the man answered.

"I'm Callie-Jo Carver, and this is Lurleen Lumpkin." I said.

"Those are pretty names." Homer said.

"You think so?" Lurleen smiled.

"Maybe." Homer said blankly. "I'm not sure. I forgot them." We both smiled, especially when we realized he was joking. He headed for the door. "Bye, Callie-Jo, bye, Lurleen."

"So long, Homer J Simpson." Lurleen said for both of us.

"Well, he's...different." I whispered to her. "In a good way."

"I know!" Lurleen whispered back. "You think it was true, that he was touched by our song?"

I nodded. "Baby steps. Today our song touched an average Joe, tomorrow it'll touch a record dealer." We both giggled wistfully. But Lurleen had given Homer our address, so if he knew a record dealer or someone, maybe we'd have a chance. Yes, we'd take that risk.

The next week passed as usual. Lurleen and I wrote songs by day, served drinks by night, and spent the early mornings cuddling and/or sleeping. But then, that next Sunday, we received a visit.

There was a knock on our door. Lurleen answered, and then beckoned to me. "Well," she said, turning back to our visitor. "If it isn't Homer J Simpson."

"Girls, I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't been like this since Funkytown!" Homer said, his face very serious.

"Oh, aren't you sweet." we both said at the same time.

"Do you think I could get a copy of it?"

"Sorry, darlin'." Lurleen said.

"All our songs are up here." I added, tapping my forehead. "'I'm Basting A Turkey With My Tears'.."

"'Don't Look Up My Dress Unless You Mean It'..." Lurleen added.

"'I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth'-" I added.

"We've gotta crack open your heads and scoop out those songs!" Homer said firmly. We both weren't sure about this, but he grabbed us both by the hand. "Come with me!"

He took us to a recording studio where he paid a quarter for us to record the song on a disc for him. I played the guitar for the song, and Lurleen sang. And that was where it began.

A man in the studio called Wade. "Excuse me, but my brother owns a radio station over in Weevilville, and, uh, I'd like to take your CD to him, with your permission?"

Lurleen and I exchanged glances. This is exactly what we wanted! But on the other hand, we weren't paying for this.

Lurleen spoke. "Homer, it's your quarter. What do you say?"

There was a long pause. I could see Homer was thinking. The disc was supposed to be for him. Finally, he spoke.

"I guess so."

Oh, was that sentence music to our ears. When KUDD played it, they noted the song as "'Your Wife Don't Understand You', by Callie-Jo Carver and Lurleen Lumpkin". We both listened to it together, and long before the song was finished, our phone rang. Repeatedly. Lurleen's mom, my pa, our siblings, our cousins...we both agreed, Homer hearing our song was a godsend. After our fifth call, we were both so, so happy, we didn't have to like girls to kiss each other.

"I am _so_ glad we met someone like Homer." Lurleen sighed.

"He's such a sweet guy." I added.

"And he's really handsome, too..." Lurleen said dreamily.

"What?" I stopped. "Homer? Come on, Lurleen, he's almost bald. And obese. And _married_." We knew that Homer had a wife and kids – he'd said he did.

"But," Lurleen continued, "It's like the song said – his wife doesn't understand him, but _I_ do. He only came to our bar because he'd was depressed about his family." She paused. "Callie, you don't mind, do you? Our thing was never going to last."

"Of course not!" I said. "It's not like you have to break up with me first – you can date who you want." I said nothing more about Homer being married. Lurleen was right – if our song had hit on how he felt that night, his marriage was obviously rocky. Lurleen would've brushed off my concerns, anyway.

We called up Homer there and then. "Oh, hi, girls!" he said. "We were just talking about you!"

"Can you come over?" Lurleen asked.

"I think I can come over. Let me ask my wife." There was a short pause. "It's a date."

The minute Homer's station wagon pulled up, Lurleen ran up to Homer and hugged him. "Oh, Homer, everybody's been calling both of us. Mama, Daddy, the triplets..."

"And we owe it all to you." I added, hanging back a little. I liked Homer fine – he was very sweet. But I wasn't going to stand in the way of the person I loved more than anyone else I'd ever met (and people, I'm not talking romantically – our arrangement doesn't stop her from feeling like a sister).

"Don't thank me!" Homer said. "You should be thanking your brains!"

We both giggled. Lurleen's face was completely lit up. "Oh, Homer, no man has ever been this nice to either of us without, you know, wanting something in return."

Homer frowned. "Well, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel kind of guilty about it."

We laughed again. "Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar." Lurleen said playfully.

"Thanks! You did say sugar, right?"

There was one more thing we wanted to discuss with Homer. Now that our career was starting, we needed someone to help us.

"We've talked about it," I told Homer, "And we want you to be our manager."

At first, Homer wasn't sure. He kept listing problems he might've had. "I'm not very good with figures."

"That's okay." I told him.

"I make a lot of stupid decisions."

"Nobody's perfect." Lurleen brushed it off.

"I did badly in school."

"We didn't even go!" I told him (my Pa taught us how to read and write, and Lurleen's ma taught us music – that's all either of us know).

"My personal hygiene has been described as-"

"Homer, you'll be a great manager!" Lurleen said convincingly.

"There's just one thing you need." I finished.

We'd both decided what to do. We took Homer to a clothes shop to get him an awesome white suit, complete with hat and boots, like a colonel. With his bulging stomach hidden and the hat covering his head, I sort of understood what Lurleen meant when she said he was handsome. Without those points, he was actually kind of good-looking. When he smiled, his whole face lit up from the inside, and we both liked seeing it. Sure, I wasn't attracted to Homer like Lurleen was, but that didn't stop me from liking him.

We quit our jobs at the bar as our music career became our priority. We wrote more songs. I was the one who suggested a baseball metaphor. "Because we got a _Homer_ run." I chuckled.

Lurleen hit an imaginary ball with an imaginary bat. " _All the bases were empty on the diamond of my heart when the coach called me up to the plate."_ she recited.

" _I kept swingin' and missin'-"_ I added.

" _And lovin' and kissin', my average was point double eight."_ Lurleen finished the line.

I began humming a tune as Lurleen scribbled more lyrics down. I started strumming the guitar as she recited the lines, and finally, we started working in tandem, and she sang to the tunes I was making up.

" _I've been slumping all season, but now I've found a reason,"_ she sang. " _I've struck on a love that is true,_

 _I used to play the field, I used to be a roamer,_

 _But season's turning round for now-"_

I knew what was coming next, and sang the words with her. " _I finally bagged me a Homer!_

 _That's right, I finally bagged me a Homer!"_

We went to record the song at Hicksville USA Recording Studio. Homer and his family were there.

"Hey, Colonel Homer." the two of us chorused, hugging him in turn. Lurleen even kissed him on the cheek, but I felt weird about doing that in front of his family. I'd kissed him on the cheek before, sure, but his wife was there!

We turned to look at the woman next to him. "And you must be-"

"Mrs Homer Simpson." the woman said, glaring at both of us.

"Charmed." Lurleen said, rolling her eyes.

I more politely smiled and stuck out my hand. "Callie-Jo Carver. It's nice to finally meet you, after everything I've heard." I was hoping this would stop her from glaring at me, but it didn't. She was clearly more suspicious of Lurleen after the kiss, but she clearly both of us out of her husband's life.

Homer's kids were there, too – one son, the eldest, and two daughters. One of the daughters was a baby, but the other one, who was about seven or eight, played the saxophone on our recording of our new song.

"I thought you said they were overweight." Homer's wife muttered to him.

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"What does _that_ mean?" Marge demanded.

"I don't have time to answer all these questions!" Homer told her. "Time is money! Come on, people!"

Lurleen and I grinned at the back-up band. "Well, c'mon, boys, let's break some hearts!" Lurleen grinned. I strummed the first few notes, and Lurleen began to sing. Homer smiled encouragingly through the glass, although I noticed Marge still glaring at us. She didn't seem at all pleased that her daughter was joining in.

Finally, at the end of the chorus, the guy recording interjected, "Girls, we're going to have to cut you off, we're getting some kind of grinding noise on the track."

It turned out to be Marge.

To be honest, I didn't understand it. Homer had definitely been having marriage problems, that first night, and he hadn't refused any affection. Sure, with me it was completely innocent, but Lurleen was making no secret of it that she was head-over-heels for him. I already didn't like Marge. What right did she have to treat us so coldly, when we'd done nothing to her?

I had more support for Lurleen than ever. She was the sweetest person I knew, really, and Homer was such a nice guy. He'd be better off with my almost-sister than with Mrs Green-With-Jealousy.

Our careers were skyrocketing. Even Homer's kids were helping get our records out – even the baby. I soon got to know their names. The son was Bart, the older daughter was Lisa, and the baby was Maggie. We even had a band name – the Hick Heartbreakers. Okay, so not the most sophisticated of names, but it didn't seem to put people off. Everyone loved us, including the press, although on Lurleen's suggestion, I stayed closeted to them. Maybe I'd come out later. I was _not_ ashamed of being a lesbian, but the press would go crazy over it.

Meanwhile, Lurleen was agonizing over how to broach the subject of love with Homer. "Why don't we write another song? You can tell him through that!" I suggested.

"I guess." Lurleen muttered. "But what song?"

I paused. Then I picked up my guitar, and sang a line as I strummed. " _In this trailer, I get so cold and lonely..."_

Lurleen picked up the tune and sang " _Lying there, awake at night, muttering if only you weren't married-"_

" _So I might ask you to bunk with me tonight,_ " I sang.

" _Bunk with me tonight, oh, bunk with me tonight."_ Lurleen sang softly.

We sang the last line together. " _I'm asking, will you bunk with me tonight?"_

I grinned. "Perfect! You sing this song to Homer one evening while I make an excuse to leave, and you'll win him over easy."

Soon, we had the chance. "Guess what, girls?" Homer said one evening. "I got you a gig on TV!"

"Oh, Homer, you're as smart as you are handsome!" squealed Lurleen.

"Hey!" Homer snapped at first. Then he stopped. "Oh, you meant that as a compliment. Now, on this show, they want you to sing and play two songs. Maybe we should give them something new."

"Well, we have been working on something that we think would heat things up." I grinned.

"Let's hear it." Homer encouraged.

I made to lift the guitar, and then said... "Oh, I kind of have an errand to run. Lurleen, do you remember the chords? You can play it."

Lurleen smiled. "I remember them, Callie. Just because I'm not a pro like you – it's not too hard to remember."

I winked at her, and then left, waiting behind the trailer. I heard Lurleen play the song, although she didn't play any of the hard chords that I knew but she couldn't do.

"Oh, that's hot." I heard Homer say. "There isn't a man alive who wouldn't get turned on by that." But then he just said, "Well, goodbye!"

I facepalmed. Lurleen was practically throwing herself at him, and he just didn't say anything? Was he doing it on purpose.

Lurleen didn't let go, though. She kept her cool, telling him there was a message in the song he'd missed. "Really listen;" she said, and began to sing. " _Bunk with me tonight, bunk with me tonight.."_

"Right." I heard Homer reply.

" _I'm asking,"_ Lurleen sang, and I knew she was getting closer, as she asked-sang the last words " _Will YOU...bunk...with me...tonight?"_

I heard Homer gasp. "Lurleen!"

"That's right, Homer J." Lurleen said.

I waited to hear his reaction. "Uh, I gotta think about this." And with that, he jumped into his car and drove off.

I ran back into the trailer. Lurleen was staring blankly after the car. "I thought I had him..." she murmured.

"He's just shocked." I consoled her. "Men are so clueless when we're trying to flirt with them. Give Homer time. He's got the message – when he says he has to think about it, it doesn't mean no, like it does with some people. He really just doesn't get it. I'm sure he'll see that you're worth ten of Marge any day."

When we next saw Homer, none of us said anything about it, and soon enough, the evening on TV came. The two of us dressed up in jeans, cowboy boots and collared shirts – Lurleen's was pink and mine was forest green. We both wore our hair in ponytails with headbands – Lurleen's headband was blue, and mine was red (it went better with my dark hair).

First, Lurleen sang and I played "Bagged Me A Homer." We gave it our all, and the crowd seemed to love it. While we went back to the dressing room during the break, Homer came in. "Girls, they loved you!"

"Well, thanks." I said. "We got kind of itchy from the fibre-glass hay, though."

"Is there anything you need?" Homer asked. I exchanged a glance with Lurleen, and she jumped up to lock the door.

"Well," she said seductively, "You _could_ make my evening complete..." And this time, she kissed him full on the lips.

But he didn't melt into it like we thought. He just went stiff. "What's wrong?" Lurleen asked him.

"My whole romantic life is flashing before my eyes." Homer answered. Lurleen kissed him again, hoping to snap him out of it.

But then Homer broke away. "I'm sorry, Lurleen." he said. And he looked over at me. "And I'm sorry to you too, Callie-Jo. All I wanted to do was share your beautiful music with other people, and I've done that. I better get out of here before I leave my family."

Slowly, he walked out of there. Suddenly, he put his head back in. "Just so I don't wonder, you would've gone all the way with me, wouldn't you?"

Lurleen nodded, and Homer frowned in frustration. "Okay."

Lurleen slumped down on a stool, and I put my arm around her. "I can't believe it!" I raged. "How could he have chosen Marge over you?"

"He's a decent guy." Lurleen said. "That's why. He couldn't leave his family for me. A wife...three beautiful kids...maybe Marge knew I was in love with her husband, or she was just insecure. He _is_ a keeper." She gave me a tearful smile. "If I ever find another man like him, I won't go with him unless you can come with us, Callie. It's the same thing."

Lurleen and I wrote another song right there and then, deciding to sing that when we went back out.

"We'd like to play a song we wrote just this minute." I said into the mic.

"It's called 'Stand By Your Manager'." I finished, and began to play.

" _His name is Homer,"_ sang Lurleen. " _He's quite a man._

 _I tried to kiss him, but Homer ran._

 _Sure wish I could say, that I was his..."_

I joined in the last line. " _I hope that Marge knows, just how lucky she is..."_

That was far from the last time we performed, of course. Homer sold our contract to a professional manager, but I knew Lurleen still missed Homer. We kept up our arrangement for a few years, until Lurleen decided to start dating again. She married several times, but none of them worked out.

"Lurleen, haven't you noticed a pattern in everyone you date?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" she questioned.

"Well," I said, "I've noticed that all of them have Homer's face. You're not really over him, are you?"

Lurleen's face fell. "He was the kindest person with the warmest heart ever. If you liked men, you probably would've been in love with him, too."

I nodded. "I miss him as it is. But let's face it, after you tried to kiss Homer, Marge would probably strangle us if we ever tried to talk to Homer again."

Actually, that wasn't true. In fact, years later, we needed major financial help, and we had to turn to Homer. Marge took pity and we kept open. Lurleen didn't make one move on Homer, the whole time. We ended up back on our feet and backing for the Dixie Chicks in a bizarre twist of fate, and Marge even hugged us goodbye. Well, she hugged _me,_ and whispered, "Good luck, Callie-Jo."

When she hugged Lurleen, she whispered a threat about what she would do if she moved in on Homer again.

The Hick Heartbreakers, that's what we were. But we wouldn't break the hearts of anyone who was taken. We vowed it, and we would keep that vow. I would find the girl of my dreams someday, and I felt sure that one day, Lurleen would find someone too, be it man or woman.

 **So, what did you think of my rewritten version of "Colonel Homer"? And what did you think of the episode? Finally, what do you think of Callie-Jo? Please let me know in a review!**


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